Reflection on “Being Myself”

Being myself…

Means being me when I feel what I feel,

Means dancing in my thoughts all day long,

Means writing stories and words of experiential wisdom I believe in,

Means wearing bold colours, eager to stand out, while growing anxious to fit in,

Means feeling with intensity,

Means loving hard and ruthlessly,

Means respecting myself and going out of my way to show kindness to others,

Means intolerance towards disrespectful behaviours,

Means noticing when I feel alive and deciding that this must be me being me,

Means loving art galleries, delicious food, and secretly dreaming of a life lived inside a Parisian library,

Means long conversations on the lounge with you,

Means my heart aches with too many fears and my head is filled with pragmatic proof,

Means I won’t tell you that you weren’t in my thoughts when I nearly died,

Means I feel regret, but rarely guilt,

Means I never blame you for my choices, even when I say so in bouts of anger,

Means I can’t decide what I want with so many hats to juggle,

Means my many hatted heads wish for antagonistic dreams,

Means when I say I love you, I’ll love you forever,

Means my heart is full of lost loves that I sometimes dust back to life when I look at the sky,

Means I’ll apologise to the spider and share my gratitude to the lamb,

Means art thrills my core,

Means Eric Satie’s music will always soothe me and cello makes me feel like falling in love,

Means a simple word of appreciation makes me climb mountains for you,

Means I love to shine,

Means I’m scared to shine,

Means I love pausing to look at a baby especially when I’m in a rush,

Means when I’m of service to you, I love the break it gives me from me,

Means I don’t often think in your language and feel frustrated by my wordlessness,

Means when I write to you I delight in pausing mid-sentence to find the exact right word,

Means boutique distillery gin on the rocks or aged Japanese plum wine,

Means having the ability to be infinitely selfless and selfish all at once,

Means that witnessing my heart swell with joy, sorrow, or greatness, is that you’re seeing the true version of me,

Means I’m nothing like you,

Means I’m not so different from you,

Means you’ll look twice when I stand near the Mona Lisa.

For the longest time I felt I was going to die young. It’s not the kind of thing that is easy to explain or make sense of, but it was a strong feeling that lasted from my early childhood until I turned thirty-one years old. Feeling Damocles’ sword hanging above my head led me to pack an entire life of experiences in my first three decades on earth. 

I’ve studied, explored, loved, travelled the world, learned two foreign languages fluently, taken risks, moved across the globe, got married, birthed two perfect children, bought a house, built a business from an idea, bought another business and renovated it before reselling it for profit, helped countless people often for free and lived a life without much room for regrets… You know, because my time was coming. 

And my time did come, except for one important detail: I didn’t really die. I almost did. 

What happened next is too long and sad a story for this letter, so I’ll keep things simple. The virus that sent me to hospital wreaked havoc in my body and left me handicapped for life. Overnight, I was forced to give-up my entire life’s work and passion for dance, for a very frightening clean slate of a future. 

It was devastating, but the terrible news did not end when learning I would remain deaf in one ear for the rest of my life. Repeat life altering diagnosis turned into multi-layered trauma added to existing traumas from my pre-illness life… My health and life became a giant mess.

Honestly, it still is too hard some days, because I haven’t fully designed or even imagined the life I want to create for a future I never thought I was going to experience. Makes sense? I hope so.

But when I look further back than the “accident”… I can see so much life, and despite some traumatic experiences. I’ll tell you my friend… How I’ve lived! 

I tell my husband that if I were to die today, I would die with only two regrets, and those would be to not see my children grow-up and to not see us grow old together. Other than that, I’m satisfied. I know I will die in peace, because I’ve spent a lifetime preparing myself for it and when I flirted with death, it was love that stood out, not regret.

After being ill, when looking at my new state of being, at my now and future, I felt insignificant, living one day at a time, barely surviving. I just couldn’t see what I had to offer to contribute to this world, being unable to sustain the physical efforts required or being untrained in the fields I wanted to work in. My mental health degraded fast and when the relief of death was all I could think about, I finally sought out help from a psychologist with the support of my husband, children, and close friends. 

This is when my thirty years of personal development packed into three started. I meditated multiple times daily. I attended personal transformation seminars, read self-help books, and allowed myself to feel the now instead of escaping it. Until one day, I was able to reach a state of deep peace and gratitude for the growth my near-death experience brought me.

And this, my friend, is when I started to share my story…

And the more I shared it, the more I realised how powerful it was. People’s responses were incredible to witness. Many leaned on it to create significant change in their lives lasting to this day. 

I have since been coaching and inspiring people – especially women – to have the courage and resources to make positive changes in their lives, no matter what hardship comes their way, making adversity a friend, not a foe. This work has become the focus of my readings and research and a deep source of motivation in life.

Finally grounded, life brought back memories of my childhood dreams of becoming an author. I’d already published a small cookbook as well as a guide for young dancers, but never felt like an author as such. The memories came to me in dreams, in random messages from family and friends (close and long-lost) who suddenly felt the urge to reach out and remind me of my dream. It was the strangest and one of the most profound experiences of my life.

Everyone and everything pushed me to write, almost beyond what is reasonable. Life wasn’t subtle in showing me what my life’s work really should be about.

But now I’m listening and answering the call: Here I am. Alex Cownie, the dancing writer. 

My books share the life stories of inspiring women who not only survived the impossible but thrived and shined brighter because of it.

Do you also have a story aching to be told that made you greater than you knew was possible? Please visit the Stories page and apply for Alex to write your story.